Last night I had some visitors come over, we were talking about how you have an impression in the first three seconds of meeting someone whether or not you are going to like them. I thought that was interesting. I don't know that I totally agree with it, as in, I don't think it is prophetic, but I do think that it demonstrates how we are quick to judge, so quick we can't even stop it sometimes, and the best we can do it correct it after the fact. This led me to think about me, and if I do this. I realized that I generally don't size up whether or not the other person and I are going to get on, but instead, I size up if I think they will be interested in being friends with me.
I don't know why I do this, but I have for as long as I can remember. When I meet people, I instantly make a judgement call of whether or not they will care to get to know me. I suppose that this may seem really self deprecating, but I truly am always surprised when people are genuinely interested in who I am.
I think you risk with every introduction you make. Lately, I have been trying to take more risks correcting things I feel I have done wrong in the past, or just following promptings. Sometimes it has crashed and burned, but sometimes, it has turned out better than I ever thought.
Goodness, relationships with anyone and everyone are hard and scary. Even just making a comment puts you at risk for being misunderstood, and yet, there is something so important about doing it. About trying. About making your thoughts heard. But it is a risk...and sometimes I get discouraged when negative feedback mounts following such a risk. Yet....I think this kind of risking is essential to progression.
I remembered a story that Elder Holland once gave. I will include it below. I think in contemplating going home for Christmas this story has been even more on my mind. I think this is because at home, people still know me as who I was when I was there which for the most part is fine. But I think amongst the peer group that I grew up in, this is difficult. The same social structures remain even when you have moved on, so I suppose this holiday season while returning to family and friends keep the following story in mind, and do something different, something better.
"I was told once of a young man who for many years was more or less the brunt of every joke in his school. He had some disadvantages, and it was easy for his peers to tease him. Later in his life he moved away from his community. He eventually joined the army and had some successful experiences there in getting an education and generally stepping away from his past. Above all, as many in the military do, he discovered the beauty and majesty of the Church and became very active and happy in it.
Then, after several years, he came back to the town of his youth. Most of his generation had moved on, but not all. Apparently when he returned quite successful and quite reborn, the same old mind-set that had existed before was still there, waiting for his return. To the people in his hometown he was still just old “so and so”—you remember the guy who had the problem, that idiosyncrasy, this quirky nature, and did such and such and such and such. And wasn’t it all just hilarious?
Well, you know what happened. Little by little this man’s Pauline effort to leave that which was behind and grasp the prize that God had laid before him was gradually diminished until he died about the way he had lived in his youth. He came full circle: again inactive and unhappy and the brunt of a new generation of jokes. Yet he had had that one bright, beautiful midlife moment when he had been able to rise above his past and truly see who he was and what he could become. Too bad, too sad, that he was again to be surrounded by a whole batch of Lot’s wives, those who thought his past was more interesting than his future. Yes, they managed to rip out of his grasp that for which Christ had grasped him. And he died even more sadly than Miniver Cheevy, though as far as I know the story, through absolutely no fault of his own."
And then he followed it up with this:
That happens in marriages, too, and in other relationships we have. I can’t tell you the number of couples I have counseled who, when they are deeply hurt or even just deeply stressed, reach farther and farther into the past to find yet a bigger brick to throw through the window “pain” of their marriage. When something is over and done with, when it has been repented of as fully as it can be repented of, when life has moved on as it should and a lot of other wonderfully good things have happened since then, it is not right to go back and open up some ancient wound that the Son of God Himself died trying to heal.
Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that people can change and improve. Is that faith? Yes! Is that hope? Yes! Is it charity? Yes! Above all, it is charity, the pure love of Christ. If something is buried in the past, leave it buried. Don’t keep going back with your little sand pail and beach shovel to dig it up, wave it around, and then throw it at someone, saying, “Hey! Do you remember this?” Splat!
Well, guess what? That is probably going to result in some ugly morsel being dug up out of your landfill with the reply, “Yeah, I remember it. Do you remember this?” Splat.
And soon enough everyone comes out of that exchange dirty and muddy and unhappy and hurt, when what God, our Father in Heaven, pleads for is cleanliness and kindness and happiness and healing.
Such dwelling on past lives, including past mistakes, is just not right! It is not the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is worse than Miniver Cheevy, and in some ways worse than Lot’s wife, because at least there he and she were only destroying themselves. In these cases of marriage and family and wards and apartments and neighborhoods, we can end up destroying so many, many others.
Perhaps at this beginning of a new year there is no greater requirement for us than to do as the Lord Himself said He does: “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more” (D&C 58:42).
I think this will be part of my gift this Christmas...to change a little for the better before the New Year, and try to forget past wrongs and just move forward.
