Anticipation

In high school, we had a very competitive theatre department. It was as popular if not more popular than sports at our high school. As a result, auditions were very competitive. I remember how much I dreaded auditions. I would get so nervous and worried and tied up in knots waiting for that time when I would walk on to the stage and try to own it.

In fact, sometimes I would become so focused on the audition that I would forget how miserable the wait was following the audition. Typically, when you try out for a play, there are two to three days of auditions. After the initial audition, they post a call backs list. Those not on the list have not made it. Those on the list have another try to show why they should be selected. After call backs, they post a cast list. I found that these lists came out rather late at night, and yet, I would get in my car or have my parent's drive me down to the high school no matter the hour, because the agony of waiting until the next day was too overwhelming. I HAD TO KNOW. I also always hoped that when I showed up, no one else would be around. That is not the kind of thing you want others to be around for. If you get in and they don't awkward. If they get in and you don't...awkward. If you both don't get in....awkward. If you both do get in...awesome! But that is a one in four chance of a good out come, and I really didn't want to take that chance.

Why am I telling you this? Because today has felt a lot like those days for me. The LSAT scores are supposed to come out today. They technically have until Monday, but for like the last eight years they have come out today. I am sitting here at work looking at the clock. It is 25 minutes until the work day is over on the East coast. I have literally been shaking all day. I have been so nervous and preoccupied with that, that I wonder if I have even been much use. I keep looking at my email. I just know that any minute it will pop up, but looking every couple seconds is rather taxing. Anyway...hopefully it will be today, but who honestly knows...I wonder if I will be able to eat tonight if it doesn't come here in the next few minutes...anyway, I hate anticipation.

Smiles

So, we had a regional conference this last weekend. That essentially means as it sounds. Our church is divided up into regions of members, and we gather every once in a while for these regional conferences. Generally, several speakers from the church leadership talk to us. The talks are generally given based on the impressions that that individual has had while preparing for this particular event. I am always grateful for these types of meetings, they cause me to think very deeply, and I appreciate that.

This year we had one session on Friday night and one on Sunday. The one on Friday night was tailored just for our stake. Our stake encompasses only those living within the University Student housing. So essentially the graduations of church bodies starts at a branch then a ward then a stake then a region... then an Area I think...and after that I am sure that there are other graduations, but I don' t know them. Anyway, that was a long introduction to get to the real point of the post.

So at the session on Friday night, we were encouraged to pray with more real concentration and thought. I don't care who you are religious or not...you should try this :-) I have been so surprised how my days have changed. Granted I have only been doing it since yesterday, so probably this wouldn't stand up in published research, but I have noticed how much happier I have been and really for no reason. Nothing else has changed. So, I am attributing it to this single act. Perhaps that is faulty logic, but I don't think so.

I love to smile. It lifts my whole mood when I do. I went through a period of my life several years ago when I didn't smile for months. I was so sad and numb that I don't think I even cracked a smile for a good long time, but I have realized since then what power a smile can have on me and those around me. Somehow, just the act of humbling yourself enough to talk to a supreme being calms the heart and brings a sensation of happiness. I wonder if it is because in the moment of hearing ourselves voice our most intimate thoughts and frustrations, we realize how much there is to be grateful for. I don't know. I haven't figured it out yet, but I am grateful for it.

Anything that can bring such pure and simple joy must be good. I certainly have found that to be the case here. I am glad for it. I sure needed a pick me up.

SNOW!!!!!!

Well everybody,

It looks like the first snowfall of the season started today. I know that some people dread this, but I enjoy this snow here at the end of the year. By about January, I am really done with the snow, but for now, it still gives me that exciting snow day feel from my growing up days. Unfortunately, there is no way out of work, so I am here, but perhaps, if I am lucky, the snow will start back up for a little while today. I think from my 16th floor office it would look rather beautiful, but I am sure this will come in good time.

Anyway, I see that my husband posted on our blog for the first time. That gives you quite a flavor for his personality. I am glad he posted, and he certainly has brought new found readership to our blog.

Also, in recent news, we had a bit of an accident this weekend. We were driving down 13th East in Salt Lake on our way to the dollar theatre. Anyway, right near the theatre, we hit a huge bump in the road....we are talking HUGE. When we got out to inspect our car, the wheel rim was bent, the tire was flat, and the hubcap was missing. May I stress that we just paid off those tires too! Ugh, anyway, we went to look at what bump had created this mess, and sure enough, it appeared that they had been doing some construction and just decided to not fill in part of the road. This wasn't just a pothole folks, this was earnest road neglect. Anyway, it kind of threw off our whole night. No movie. Had to put the donut on. Thanks for our friend Lisa, we had AAA roadside assistance.

See the black part. That is where the road was filled in. See that empty part with dirt and then a huge ledge, that is what killed our wheel. Maybe the picture below shows it better. It is as if they just decided to stop filling in the road...anyway. Bummer.

Which led our wheel to look something like this:

And our bad luck continued...yesterday, Parker's parents were kind enough to let us borrow their very nice 2008 Camry so that I could go to a friend's mission farewell talk down in Payson, UT. Anyway, as you know, it was rather rainy and windy yesterday. Well...at some point on our drive home, a big fat rock decided to fly up and hit the windshield right in the middle. Dead center. So, we now caused an otherwise pristine windshield's first rock chip. It was kind of a downer car weekend, but I suppose this is all part of growing up and dealing with what life throws at you. In the end, I suppose we can't complain too much, we certainly had many helping hands along the way.

Here it is, folks.

Alright, alright, I'll make a post. Bekah has been asking me for some time to make a post, and I really have been meaning to. Just waiting for that perfect idea, I suppose, and boy has inspiration struck. Check this baby out:

For the first time today, I thought to myself "Man, I really wish the pen in my shirt pocket wasn't sliding around all over. If only I had something to keep it in place..." Only then did I realize to what a benefit a pocket protector might actually be. Think about it: when you need a pen fast (and we all do) then what are your options? You can dig one out of your pocket, but given my increase in size around the middle lately it's getting to be a tighter squeeze every day, or you can fish one out of your backpack, also lame and time consuming. I need instant access, and a pocket protector is the way to go.

But I don't think I'll actually get one. Why? For one, I don't think Bekah would ever let me hear the end of it, but in reality what stops me is the stereotype. We all know the first thing we think of after we hear "pocket protector" is this guy:

The geek stereotype is nothing new to me though, partly because I consider myself a 'tweener. (Check it out, he's even got a USB flash drive in there!) For those of you who don't know me so well, I'm a Computer Science major at the University of Utah, which is perhaps reason enough to peg me as looking similar to that guy above. Maybe. But keep in mind that I am also a suave musician. However, I don't feel I fit perfectly in either category, musician or geek, but feel the need to be part of them both. On one hand I see myself as Michael Buble, saving the world one rendition of Mrs. Jones at a time; Bekah is lucky to have me. (I hope she approves of the use of that semicolon) On the other hand, I'm Andy Hertzfeld, one of the founding fathers of the Macintosh and a computer genius. (All those seeking to get their inner geek on should check out folklore.org)

I'm fine with being both, but it wasn't always that way. I took computer classes in high school and really enjoyed them, but I'll never forget the B-O laden, neck-hole-in-the-white-T-shirt-is-WAY-too-stretched-out kids around me in that class that I in no way felt a kinship too (or rather feared having a kinship to them due to the stereotype). No one wants to be this guy:

This led me toward music, whose stereotype is only slightly more desirable. But even that got to me after awhile (the music lounge was the cesspool of band geeks but I had to eat my lunch somewhere on those cold, snowy days...) and I began giving my inner geek some game time by taking an intro to Computer Science course. My professor was Dr. Erin Parker, and she was great. I really enjoyed the class and most of all I appreciated that she was not at all the stereotype. (I currently TA for her in that same class!) I've come to find that every CS professor I've had has been very socially-adept, well-showered, and can carry on a normal conversation. In fact most I wouldn't even have guessed they were computer scientists.

I poke fun at the stereotype only in jest (for those of you offended by my cesspool comment) because I myself have acquired many of the quirks of musicians and computer geeks alike, and I'm now ok with it. For example, I've recently switched to using a command-line text editor called Vim when editing my code, and found it interesting when someone told me about another keyboard layout that was supposedly more efficient than the one currently used on most computers. Don't judge. I'm going to post this blog on Facebook, and most that see it, including probably you, are going to think, "Ah, he's one of them." But you're here reading it cause your saw the picture of the big fat guy. Gotcha!

So maybe I'll get a pocket protector afterall. Truth be told, the stereotypes aren't really as bad as they seem, even in the Music program. There were some students that I realized led the battalion of bandgeekness into the far reaches of campus and garnered the bad name for us all, but most were quite pleasant, especially the professors. Or maybe I've just become "one of them" so I'm blinded by my brainwashing. But that's for you to decide.

A Departure...

I figured after my rather heavy post yesterday, I should probably lighten the mood a little, so I figured that I needed to explain a desire that has been brewing within me for sometime...

I am not really one to be into TV or the music scene. I have very little celebrity knowledge; however, occasionally I grow a little obsessed with a certain musical artist. This all started when I was 12, and my dad got the first Charlotte Church CD. We were roughly the same age...but my Dad loved to listen to her sing...I tried to sing a long. That didn't work...and I grew jealous of her...very jealous. You may be laughing...but you can't say you haven't done the same thing.

Anyway, over the years it has become clear to me that though I can't sing nearly as well as her, I have come out the winner in my dad's heart.

A "typical" Charlotte picture.

A "typical" Bekah Picture.

Is there even a competition? I think not.

Anyway...lately though, I have realized that I would like to be one of the Celtic Woman. I know,

I know...but they just seem so cool. I mean come on look at this lot:

So, I have assessed the situation. To be in the Celtic Woman, you first have to be okay with the fact that even though there are always four or more in the group, they have decided to stick with the singular "woman" rather than "women." CHECK.

Second, you need to be able to sing softly and without vibrato....partial CHECK.

Third, you need to play a cool instrument...only Chloe Agnew doesn't and she is in there...so you need to sing really high or play a cool instrument...partial CHECK.

Fourth, you must be from Ireland....this is a big hang up. I don't know how to even go about making this a partial check...but I do like potatoes...???? Does that make it count?

Fifth, you must have a sweet accent and speak Gaelic...k...we are going to leave that one alone...who needs Gaelic anyway? Besides Parker speaks Norwegian and I kiss him from time to time, so I practically am fluent in Norwegian and Norwegian sounds as obscure as Gallic...so that flies I think. Don't question me on this alright? I took like a year of formal logic in preparation for the LSAT, my reasoning is fool proof.

Sixth, you must be able to walk while singing and make sweet formations while doing so. DOUBLE CHECK. I totally can do this...thank you middle school square dancing!

Seventh, you need to look really good wearing pretty, sleeveless dresses. K, problem here again, I am not really a sleeveless kind of girl. But there was this once when Chloe wore a little overcoat thing...I'll bring sleeves back. Or I could make sleeves that look like shoulders...shoulder sleeves I would call them. I'll start a new trend...so partial CHECK.

So in the end...what do you think? Can I become a Celtic Woman? In case you don't know who the heck I am talking about...please watch this sweet video of one of their live performances...you have to admit they are pretty cool.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6b9xzS_rDo

WATCH IT! You won't regret it.

Also....

Also, this is a beautiful song and one of my favorites to calm down to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhCS7etNEbU&p=5E09B5AD65A8F97D&index=1&playnext=14

I BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE...

My mind is just spinning today. I am here at work. It is my long day. I will be putting in 9.5 hours today. That is fine. My boss is gone of vacation. I wish I could be on vacation, away from this depressing environment. I have thought a lot lately about where I am in my life. About where I could be. I am for real when I say that I have honestly thought about taking myself off facebook because though I am genuinely happy for so many amazing friends of mine who are on amazing adventures throughout the world, and I am also really jealous because I am here, in Salt Lake, sitting at a desk. I know that this is starting out like a pity party...but I swear it is building to something. I really don't like my job. There I said it. It is the truth. Am I grateful for it? YES! Am I learning a lot? YES. But do I like it? Well there is the hang up folks.

I have been reading Half the Sky...when I finish, I shall blog about it. But in it, they describe this wonderful woman from Minnesota who decided at age 21 to go to Africa and work in a hospital...in Congo of all places. Then the book encouraged us to all go there or go somewhere...anywhere and really DO something with our lives. Oh man, I would. In a second. I asked Parker that night if we could move to Africa...he said yes. He always says yes. He's good that way. He's the best actually...but we can't go to Africa right now. I can't even get a different job right now. I could barely get this one.

I find my work so depressing. I loved college. It was full of ideas and energy and excitement. I am so tired of lawyers who just care about money. I am tired of divorces. I am tired in general. Why am I going to law school? I don't know. But I know that I hope it is so that I can scream in the face of all the cynics that I believe in marriage. That I believe in families. That I believe in people and that they are naturally good. And that I despise money and how is corrupts and clouds the mind. That's my rant for today.

We have staff meetings on Thursdays during lunch. I don't like them much. I find them boring. I like having my lunch paid for though. I dislike the meaningless chatter. Anyway, today when I was discussing a new client that we had, everyone asked why he was getting a divorce. I said that his wife just wanted a divorce and that he seemed like a nice guy. What a let down. I didn't realize what a disappointment that would be to everyone. They all wanted something juicier, something scandalous. They said, well surely he has a girlfriend. I said no. "Well, there must be something, there always is...the scandal will come out in time." I nearly burst into tears right there. My goodness. Why isn't it good enough that this poor man's wife left him after 35 years of marriage? He's shattered, and my co-workers want a scandal.

Anyway, right there and then it occurred to me just how provocative it is to believe in marriage. To believe in families. To believe in people and that they can be good. BUT I DO. I will scream it from the roof tops too. I am tired of the cynics. I am tired of the skeptics. I am tired of the haters and the tainted and the pessimists. I am tired of the mockery that people make of truth and purity. I am tired...but I am not finished, and I hope that I can turn this otherwise depressing atmosphere into a catalyst for change, into a reason to do and be and live BETTER. Ugh...I am tired of people settling for mediocrity. Sometimes I wonder if I have, but I haven't, and I won't.

This thought came back to me today, and it is what urges me on to be something more:

"I respect all men, and it is from disrespect for none that I say there are no great leaders in the world today. In fact, greatness itself is laughed to scorn. You should not be great today--you should sink yourself into the herd, you should not be distinguished from the crowd, you should simply be one of the many.

The commanding voice is lacking. The voice which speaks little, but which when it speaks, speaks with compelling moral authority--this kind of voice is not congenial to this age. The age flattens and levels down every distinction into drab uniformity. Respect for the high, the noble, the great, the rare, the specimen that appears once every hundred or every thousand years, is gone. Respect at all is gone! If you ask whom and what people do respect, the answer is literally nobody and nothing. This is simply an unrespecting age--it is the age of utter mediocrity. To become a leader today, even a mediocre leader, is a most uphill struggle. You are constantly and in every way and from every side pulled down. One wonders who of those living today will be remembered a thousand years from now--the way we remember with such profound respect Plato, and Aristotle, and Christ, and Paul, and Augustine, and Aquinas.

If you believe in prayer, my friends, and I know you do, then pray that God send great leaders, especially great leaders of the spirit. [Charles H. Malik, "Forum Address" (18 November 1975), BYU Studies 16, no. 4 (Summer 1976): 543 44]"

That address was quoted by Gordon B. Hinckley at a BYU Devotional and it was followed up with this, which will forever be my goal.

"It is in harmony with that profound statement that I wish to say a few words to you today. You are good. But it is not enough just to be good. You must be good for something. You must contribute good to the world. The world must be a better place for your presence. And the good that is in you must be spread to others.

I do not suppose that any of us here this day will be remembered a thousand years from now. I do not suppose that we will be remembered a century from now.

But in this world so filled with problems, so constantly threatened by dark and evil challenges, you can and must rise above mediocrity, above indifference. You can become involved and speak with a strong voice for that which is right."

I hope I can speak with a strong enough voice someday to do something good for someone even whilst sitting at my desk in Salt Lake City dreaming about Africa :-)

Blah...

Well, it's one of those blah days at work. I am soooo excited for work to be done today, and yet, I still have a few hours to go. I am giving blood today. I am excited for that, I guess that tells you how frustrated I am with work. I am also going to a service project tonight, I am excited for that too.

I have begun working out again, since the test is over. It has been so nice. I love to work out. I am very glad to have time to do it again. I am slow and my reps are few, but I am a determined soul. So there is that going for me.

On Sunday, we had some friends over and I made a pie. I love baking and I really enjoy making pies especially. This is one of my favorites. It's called Autumn Apple Pie. It is delicious. Should you want to learn how to make this beauty, I would be happy to teach you.

It was delicious. I am a firm believer that nothing is really complete without ice cream, so I slapped on a scoop of vanilla ice cream and waited for it melt a little and add the delicious creaminess to the pie. As you can tell, pie and really, food in general is a serious matter for me. But this truly is the best time of the year particularly for making delicious things. I love to read, and since I was young, I have always loved to read stories that take place during autumn it seems that there is always some feast to describe, and I am not ashamed to admit those were generally the pages that I was most attached to, but who wouldn't been when your imagination can run wild with visions of roast turkey, cranberry sauce, pie, dumplings, crisp apples, juicy pears, sweet potatoes, creamed spinach, pumpkin juice, luscious grapes and on and on....

Anyway, I take my food for serious which is why I also seem to take my running for serious, and so it will be it seems for eternity.

In other news, I am not sure if I related that my brother Andrew and his wife Charity are expecting a baby boy. I am so excited for them. Everyone I know who is due in March is having a boy; apparently, Heavenly Father is needing to even out some population issues because it truly is a deluge of boy babies coming our way. Although, in reality worldwide, we probably are needing more baby girls, but that is an issue for another day.

Anyway, I have been discovering a lot of other people's blogs lately, and I have really been impressed by all that I read. I am always intrigued at what thoughts come through other people's minds. I love it in fact, I find it inspiring.

Lastly, I went to a law fair last night. I got fee waivers for applying to law schools...I am thrilled that I just saved us a ton oh money, cuz well application fees are stupid anyway. It was pretty obvious I think, that the only reason I actually opened my mouth to talk to any representative from any school was to ask them for a fee waiver, but they didn't seem to mind too much. I also got to talk to my lsat professor....he says that nation wide the consensus is that this test will be curved pretty substantially, so that makes me happy...my chances for a good score improve ;-)

Well thanks for reading...that's all for now.

And it is OVER!

Alright. I know that it is like four days since the test and you are all waiting in suspense to hear how it went. Well........I won't know for a month. That has been a big let down for a lot of people. Sorry. It's just how it works, but I am actually really glad for that month, it will give me time to realize there is so much more to life than that score.

Anyway, test day was great. I really felt calm, and that was wonderful. To say that I feel good about the test would be an overstatement...I never feel good after tests like these. It is just really hard to know, but I do feel like I did alright, so we will see. I didn't feel bad enough to cancel my score, so there is that. Anyway, the next three weeks, I will be getting my applications ready for BYU and U of U. Its a small pool, and this makes me nervous in some ways, but we really want to stay here for Parker's program. I will have a better feel for my chances to get into these schools when I get my results back from the test, but the schools are roughly on par with each other as far as rankings and acceptance criteria. So we will see in time.

Unfortunately, I got rather sick following the test. All the stress finally let down and so did my immune system it seems, but today I am feeling much better. I am trying to think of good stories to include in my personal statement. I haven't settled on any yet, but assuming my personal statement turns out alright, I will perhaps post it here.

I really have felt immensely blessed by so many caring and loving people all around me. This test was much more difficult for me than I ever anticipated, but I was cheered on every step of the way, and that made it much more bearable, so thanks to everyone.

Anyway, I made a royal mistake at work yesterday, and I have spent most of the morning cleaning up my mess, but I think that it should be resolved by the end of work today. It's times like these that I wish the world was a little more forgiving, but I suppose you just take it all in stride...

So that's all for now. Thanks for reading. I should have a wicked sweet Columbus Day post soon, complete with pictures of Parker and me. Also...gasp...my husband has promised to post on OUR blog this week at some point, only time will tell :-)

Neglect

Dear Everyone...

I am very sorry indeed for the long pause between my last post and this. In case you do not all have it marked on your calendars, this is the week! I take the LSAT on Saturday. I am feeling pleasantly optimistic. I am mostly excited I think to just have it done and out of my life. I desperately hope that I will never have to take this test again, but I am going to just do my best and let the chips fall as they may.

Last week, I got a bit of the nasty cold, so I stayed home from work and slept to get better. I have never loved sleep more than right now. It is as if I can never get enough. I just love it...I am addicted to sleep; unfortunately, I still have not mastered the art of going to sleep. I am soooooo good at staying asleep once there, but getting to that sleeping state is tricky.

Since I was a little girl, my mind has always come awake at night. I think about life and everything that I need to get done and all that has happened in the day. I think about people I need to apologize to, wrongs that need righting; I think about hopes and dreams; I think about finances; I think about specific LSAT problems, the list really could go on and on. My mind is a swimming all night long. I wish I could just float off to dreamland. I had a roommate in college that literally was asleep before her head even hit the pillow...she was incredible. I wish that I could be more like that. But alas, I don't think that is in the cards for me in this life. I can't imagine what will keep me up once I am pregnant or have children...I am terribly good at worrying, and I suppose that there will be a never ending supply of things to worry about when we are at that stage in our lives. Anyway, this has been the state of my sleeping as of late. I am looking forward to hopefully catching up on some serious rest after Saturday.

In related news, my boss informed me yesterday that I get Columbus Day off, which for those of you who are like me and need to consult a calendar to know just when we celebrate the discovery of our new world...that would be this coming Monday, October 11, 2010. Could it come on a better day? I submit that it could not...I am finding myself altogether more and more appreciative of Mr. Columbus as the days near Monday...how shall I commemorate this blessed event? Ideas?