Hope is hard.

Well, probably you already knew this about me...but in case you didn't, I AM A HUGE PLANNER. I HAVE to plan, it is in my blood. I must know what I am doing...but not just a week from now...I like knowing what is happening a year from now, three years from now, five years from now...and that is where I finally let up a little.

Presently, I don't know what is happening two months from now...and that is tricky. For all of January, I was haunted by my lack of knowing. The thoughts that would keep me up at night were things like: Where am I going to law school? Are we going to Norway this summer for an internship for Parker? Will Parker get a scholarship in the fall? Will I get a scholarship in the fall? Will we need to move? If so, when? Where to? Do I need a bus pass? Should we upgrade to a two bedroom apartment for our second anniversary? Should we upgrade at all? Should I quit my job? If so, when and how? How much do we need saved? Do we have enough? When should I switch insurances? Should I? Is student insurance that much better... and on and on and on.

A fun fact to go along with this, when I got my final W-2 with my paycheck in January, I was more or less in a panic to get home and do my taxes immediately. All day, all I could think about was going home and doing them. As I have reflected on this, I have decided that my excitement came from me finally being able to answer one of the questions which had been milling around in my head: how much will our tax refund be...and how will that affect the rest of our plan?

Anyway, I was nearly to my wits end when a good friend of mine sent me an email. As I read it, I realized that maybe I needed to take a bit of a chill pill. Instead of lining everything up like a chain reaction, I would instead focus on each decision in and of itself, and with that decision, I would start to make a personal effort to insert a little hope and a little faith with each choice. I will not say that I no longer wish to plan, that I am perfectly at ease not having the slightest clue what the next several months will bring to our family, but I will say that I have been able to make some very important decisions because I have just focused on the present.

One such decision was to quit my job. I knew that I would like be quiting my job at the end of summer. This was moved up to May when Parker told me that we would probably be going to Norway for the summer, but I still felt unsettled about this, and then last week, after talking with Parker for sometime, I realized that I really should quit at the end of March. Even at this time, I didn't know really why that was the date that brought me peace, but I moved forward with it.

Since that time, small events have unfolded in my life that have evidenced to me that my little bit of hope and faith has brought a generous return. I am grateful for these moments, and all that they teach me about how I need to slow down and enjoy life for where it is right now.