Foresight

Have you ever wanted something so much that perhaps you didn't reason through the ramifications of ascertaining that thing? Have you ever desired the good at the wrong time? Have you ever gotten so caught up in the moment that all reason went out the window?

I have. And this is the result...

On Saturday, Parker and I went down to Provo for a friend's first time through the temple. The whole way there all I could think about was how much I loved the chocolate covered cinnamon bears that BYU offers at their candy counter. It had been so long since I had visited my alma-mater that the moment over took me, and I all at once I found myself purchasing a bag of thesen these scrumptious morsels. Unfortunately, my good intentions were plagued by a warm day and a long time in the temple and a very hot car. This is the result. In stead of a wonderful bag of chocolate covered cinnamon bears, each individually coated for convenient consumption, I give you something out of Dante's Inferno. When I first looked in the bag after returning to the car, I saw them all swimming in their own melted skin, and unfortunately, all I could think of was a passage in Dante's Inferno. If you haven't read it, don't worry. If you have, you know what I mean...and it was no good. Fortunately, after a long stay in the fridge, I have this brick of deliciousness that simply has to be chiseled off a piece at a time for my gastronomic pleasure.

Free Fare Zone

I have often thought that a documentary should be made called "Free Fare Zone." In Salt Lake, where I live, they have a public transportation system named Trax. This is a great step for Salt Lake. We certainly are no match for the metro of Paris or the T of Boston, but we are making our way in the world.

One feature of the Salt Lake Trax system is the Free Fare Zone.

As you can see from the picture, the Free Fare Zone comprises the very downtown area. I think this is a nice thing. The Free Fare Zone allows most of the impoverished folk that live down in the city center a way to get around and a warm place to sit on really cold days.

But as you can imagine, the Free Fare Zone brings together the most diverse socioeconomic mixture of people that one could likely find in Salt Lake City. It is a real smattering of all the walks of life. Obviously, this is not an all inclusive view as many many people drive to work in Salt Lake, particularly those who are a bit better off than most. But riding Trax for about a year now, I have really gained an interesting perspective.

Just this morning, there was a young lady. She was riding Trax with one of her friends. She said she was 21. She dropped out of school when she was 12 years old, and she had to get up every few minutes and run to the stair wells of the train to spit because she was addicted to those nicotine/tobacco strips, and apparently, they cause quite a bit of saliva to form. I listened to her talk, the way that she carried herself, the words she used, I looked at the way she dressed, and I listened to energy in her voice. I wondered what all had transpired in her life, what had brought her to this point, what she cared about, what she saw for herself, what she wanted most in life, sooo many thoughts ran through my head. I struggled to still read my book thinking of this young lady. She is roughly the same age as me, and yet here we are at such different places in our lives. How did we get where we are and will we ever be able to help each other to grow and learn and change?

Other times, riding trax has reduced me to tears. The other day while riding in the Free Fare Zone, I listened to a young man rather loudly relate the history of his life including all the molestations, abuse, and violence shown him in his short life. He looked not well, and I wondered what this life will mean for him. I was impressed that another man on Trax was kindly listening to him and trying to offer as much comfort as he could to this young stranger.

I cried that day. My heart hurt for that young man and all others like him. I have probably seen at least a hundred like him on Trax in the last year. All of them let down by those that should have been caring for them. All of them hurt and changed forever. It made me wonder what life would be like in those circumstances. It made me want to do something to help, but that day, it mostly made me sad.

Then I remembered how my mom taught me that pitying others is really no way to help. Pity isn't the cure, its rather a selfish emotion. So then I looked for what I knew. That there is utility in every experience, and once you find that, you can put it into action.

I remembered that there is something divine in everyone. I remembered that I am not so different from these others. I suppose that is why my heart aches so for them. I think it is what gives me the motivation to do something more, something meaningful, something helpful with my existence. After all, I have been rather blessed with opportunities in my young life. I had better do something worthwhile don't you think?

I realized that all of these experiences are broadening my view of the world. I am realizing a greater capacity to understand and empathize with those from every circumstance in life. Obviously, I would not claim that due to my small commute on Trax everyday, I am some expert on how others live, but I am grateful to have an inkling. I think I can do something with this, and it excites me.

So at the end of the day, I am grateful for these Free Fare Zone riding Folk. I am grateful for their lack of inhibition to share their life experiences despite its blatant rebuttal of the polite social norms and so called "proper" behavior. It is refreshing to witness their honesty and to be taught by it.

Like Nephi

So the last little while has been kind of tough on me. Work has been really stressful and frustrating and on top of that, my LSAT scores have taken a dive. Everything kind of culminated to a head recently when after studying for hours and hours, I got the worst score on an LSAT that I had ever gotten. BIG LET DOWN.

Tears have been fast and free this last little while for me. I would consider myself a generally even keeled person, but all of this stress has created a whole new me. I will cry about just about anything...we run out of milk, tears begin to form. The laundry isn't done, tears begin to form. An appointment gets moved at work, tears begin to form...so you see, I have become rather sensitive as of late. It is obvious to me that all of this stress is taking a significant toll on my emotional health, so since this night of epic breakdown mentioned earlier, I have taken steps to relieve my stress and gain back my sanity. However, on that particular night, I was a total mess. I tried to be strong and not care, but by the time Parker got home from his day, I had been strong a long time...and the tears returned.

Because Parker is awesome and always seems to know what to say to make me feel better, he mentioned to me that I should probably read the story of Nephi. Nephi is a prophet in the Book of Mormon who lived between 600 and 500 BC. Nephi had a lot of struggles particularly with his older brothers, and his most poignant trials are described in the Book of Mormon. Following Parker's advice, I promptly began reading these stories. There is something about that book that just drags the tears right out of me. So after a while, when I could no longer see the words through my tears, I decided to stop reading. Parker turned out the light, and as we lay there in the dark, Parker whispered "Like Nephi, this girl, Like Nephi." This made me cry a little harder because Nephi's trials weren't exactly a cake walk...but it comforted me too. Then as we still lay there trying to go to sleep, I broke the silence with this question directed to my husband, "But Parker, do you think that Nephi probably cried a little when he was tied to the mast of that ship for days?" Parker's immediate response, "I'm sure he cried like a baby."

And that folks is why I married my husband. Right there. It really mattered very little if in fact Nephi did cry like a baby while tied to the mast of that ship because, in that moment...Parker knew what I needed to hear. Thank goodness for the people in our lives who help us through trials.

The Newest Addition to our family...

Well hello...have you been feeling a void? I hope not. It has been an eventful last little while. Here in the great state of Utah they have safety and emissions inspections before you are allowed to register your car... and you have to register your car every year. I hate this. I know that I often mention things that I prefer about Oregon to Utah, usually those things are in jest...this my friends is not. Oregon registers its cars once every three years...no safety checks...no emissions checks...no extra tax for living in Salt Lake. Anyway...you have to comply to be able to drive your car and they can tell you to fix whatever they feel like it. This year we spent over $500.00 to get our little beauty to pass their checks and to get it registered. As a result, we had to further put off what has been really wrong with our car...so we were finally able to get to that this week. We needed a new starter...there is another $500.00 down the drain. Anyway, it is nice that our car is in good shape now, but its just too bad it all came at once.

In addition, Parker and I have been saving for an I-touch. This little beauty has also been put off due to the car issues, but we finally had enough saved that we bought it this last weekend. Joy. That is the only word to describe Parker's face nearly every day when he takes that little beauty out of his pocket, turns it on, and looks at all the applications...the endless applications. I am enjoying it too. I am glad to finally be able to run with music again. I do think a lot of the applications on it are pretty nifty. So here it is folks...the newest addition to our family.

Additionally, as a result of buying that little guy, we will now be able to post pictures of ourselves because it has a camera you see :-) Isn't that fabulous! I know you will all love it.

Work...

Do you ever wish you could just tell your boss what you really think? I do...and then usually I am grateful later that I don't/didn't. Somedays though you know? That's all...not that today is one of those days...

Is it hot in here or is my skin just on fire?

Well folks...it is time for a funny story. Last night, I took a shower. I was very tired, but I knew that I wanted to shower last night instead of this morning. So at a timely 10:45 pm, I hopped in the shower. When I finished showering, I needed to lotion up because of this great Utah climate :-) I couldn't find my usual lotion, and I was tired. There was a bottle of lotion that I had gotten at a triathlon this year in a goodie bag. So I grabbed that sucker and started applying...

#1 Bad Sign: I could not read any of the ingredients on the back because it was entirely written in some Asian language.

#2 Bad Sign: When I took the little foil piece of the top of it, a strong smell of mint came into the air.

Did I heed the bad signs? NO!

As a result, I lathered my body up with that stuff, in about three minutes I felt like I had just rubbed an entire bottle of icy hot allll over my body. I was freezing and shivering, but burning up. I was sweating but so cold I thought I might cry. I kept thinking it would be okay. I wrapped myself up in a blanket but that just felt like a furnace. So I unwrapped myself and then I was back to being an ice cube, I was laughing though tears were flowing. Every part of me was stinging due to the fumes...we aren't just talking eyes folks, EVERY sensitive part of my body felt on fire. After about 15 minutes of this and no change, I figured that there was only one thing left to do. I ran to the shower, jumped in, and tried to wash it all off. While this helped a little, the refreshing buzz lingered still into the night.

I re-read the bottle after I finished all this on its way into the trash, it was called a refreshing relaxing athletic lotion...language barrier? I think so...what they really mean is big fat bottle of icy hot. I did not feel refreshed, relaxed, or athletic....epic fail!

Tights...

Well folks, it's Friday afternoon. The office is more than dead. My boss came in for a generous three hours today, pretty good for a Friday. Poor thing, she doesn't realize that I catch on to her clever game when she takes lunch at 2:00pm on Fridays...she probably isn't coming back. Such is the case today, and me...I sit here, bored, tired of dealing with clients and wanting to go home.

The plan was for me to get off at 4:00pm today...which would be right now. Well, more like six minutes ago, but our receptionist got sick and had to go home, so I am covering for her until 5:30pm. Can I just say that the jump from a 4:00pm departure and a 5:30pm departure is more than just an hour and a half...it feels about as endless as figuring out the right way to break up with a vulnerable significant other...drowning in other words. So, here I sit. At 3 o'clock p.m., I needed a change, a significant change, I was already blasting Christmas music so my last resort really had been employed. So I got up and took a trip to the bathroom and had an epiphany. Yes, I said epiphany!

Lose the tights. All day I have been itching in these argyle tights...is my outfit adorable? Yes. Do they complete the look? Yes. Did my boss actually give me a complement on what I was wearing today? Yes. But at 3 o'clock p.m, all that no longer mattered, off the tights came! LIBERATION! I left to the bathroom a bored paralegal...I returned a bored paralegal with less itchy legs and a wad of tightedge in my right hand...you be the judge, but I think it was the right choice for this afternoon...

One Month Til....

Well, it is exactly one month until I take the LSAT. To commemorate such an event, I slept through my alarm this morning and totally missed my morning study. Alas, all should be well. Gearing up for this test has been a very emotional journey. Goodness...I don't know that I have ever been so controlled by something in my emotions. You are probably thinking...this girl has an unhealthy relationship with that test, and you would be right, but I honestly don't see how you can do well, and not have an unhealthy relationship with it. Some nights, when the LSAT has totally kicked my trash, I wander home and just think what it will be like when I don't have to go back to this stupid test night after night. Subjecting myself to the mercy of a number...one silly number and yet, a number that will mean everything for where I can go to school. Oh the cruelties of higher education!

Today the weather has decided to be gloomy, fitting I suppose. I love gloomy weather though, it reminds me so much of home in Oregon in the fall. I love the rain and the cozy feeling that comes with gloomy days. Perhaps it was a tender mercy that I got a gloomy day to enjoy on this the beginning of the final countdown for the LSAT.

Also, I found out yesterday, that I will be an aunt again. My brother Andrew and his wife Charity are expecting their second. This will make two grandkids in our family. We are excited. Lucy, their first little girl, is an absolute cutie, and I just can't wait for this next little baby. I am sure he/she will be outrageously cute too. I will admit, the whole thing has me rather baby hungry, but alas my womb stays empty for now :-)

Bear Lake and AUTUMN!!!!!

Dear everyone,

We had a lovely weekend. We were very busy as we almost always tend to be. I took a practice LSAT on Saturday morning and Parker did homework. We had a reception in Provo on Saturday night. Sunday, I taught primary, man those kids were all over the place!

Anyway, after church on Sunday we drove up to Bear Lake. My brother and his new wife were up there. Her name is Becca funny huh? Anyway, we camped the night with them. It was way fun. Bear Lake is just beautiful. I had no idea the water would be so blue, I haven't really been impressed with the water here in Utah in general. Coming from Oregon, I have kind of an expectation regarding bodies of water...and Bear Lake definitely brought Utah up somewhat in that regard. Anyway, it was a fun weekend. We are still lame and lack a camera...so yeah, we don't have pictures, but I will be sure to include some that I steal from off of google image.

Also, I was having a hard time being happy this morning at work. I have a nasty long project I was working on this morning and it always makes me gloomy, so I turned on some Christmas music, and I started thinking about everything that I am going to do this autumn, and my frown definitely turned upside down. I love this time of year. Autumn is my favorite and I love Christmas too, so it sure helped me to feel happier today thinking about the beauty of the world in the next few months and the coziness of the season. That's all for now I suppose.

This is what I have to look forward to in the next few months here in Utah. I love it!

Red Mango and other Bizarrities...

First off...Bizarrities isn't a word. I realize that, but I like it anyway.

Now, to the meat of the message. Yesterday was an interesting day. I had lunch with the head of the Planned Parenthood Action Council here in Utah. Kind of crazy really. It was just her and I, and we talked, a lot. We got to know each other when I was interning at the Capitol winter of this year. She then offered me a job after the session. I declined on the job, she offered it to me again, I declined again, and then we just met up once to talk about politics...the funny thing is, I don't dig politics that much, but I do dig women's health care...and the welfare of families...So anyway, I didn't take the job because one of my many responsibilities would have been to create legislation and policy to legalize abortion and to flip seats in races so that more abortion leaning folks got in those seats.

Let me first say, I think that in instances of Rape and Incest...when choice and agency were suspended, that abortion should still be thought about very deeply, but can in some cases be an acceptable choice. I DO NOT support elective abortion...so you see, this would have gotten in my way of being effective at this otherwise very intriguing job, because I would have struggled with the morality of it everyday.

Anyway, I hadn't heard from Missy (the director of PPAC) in quite a while, but she wrote me a few months ago, and we set up a lunch.

I'll be honest, I was a little apprehensive to go, but I am glad that I did. We had a lovely positive meeting. I really respect Missy, I do not agree with her stance on a lot of issues, but I respect her immensely for her willingness to engage in meaningful talks about what we do agree on which is most notably, that women have an important role to play in this life. We may not always agree on the role that they should play, but we both want to help women at that is great.

This is what I have been thinking about lately....we so often get in the way of progress because all we see are the differences between us and others. Wouldn't it be grand to see both the similarities and the differences, but opt to care about the similarities? I remember in my International Political Economy of Women class at BYU, my magnificent professor told us a story about these women during the the Yugoslavian Conflict. When the American soldiers were coming through and liberating various villages, they found an apartment of three old women. One was a Croat, one was Bosnian, one was Serbian and yet they were all living together in peace. The soldiers asked the women how they were able to live together in harmony when all their people were killing each other. The women replied that they were all mothers that they knew what it took to create life, and they would not be a part of ending lives no matter what nationality they were. WHAT POWER IN THAT STATEMENT! Look at what can be accomplished when we look at the similarities between ourselves and others rather than focusing on the differences.

This is Missy Bird. She is who I had lunch with. She is the director of PPAC and she is my friend.

This is more or less what I felt about the meeting with Missy. It was very nice to talk to her. We talked about what we were passionate about and we talked about the church a lot. I love the gospel, and I was glad to tell her that I believed many of the things she did, but also had such a strong conviction to the gospel. I appreciate that she cares so deeply for women. I do too, and though we may have different visions as to what helping women really means, I am glad that we were both able to voice our opinions and find a body of things that we could agree on despite those that we could not.

Anyway, at the end of the meeting, I still kind of wondered, why me? Why does she care to meet with me? She knows she won't change my views...she knows I am just a young BYU grad, newly married, conservative, and fully invested in my beliefs...why me? But I need to start thinking, why not me? That is the attitude that will help me accomplish all that I am passionate about. By the end of the meeting, I mostly felt fortunate. Who else has been so blessed with experiences like this where they can sit down and reasonably talk with "the other side" and come away feeling positive about the whole thing, feeling like a new level of understanding was reached between the two, and another layer of respect laid? Isn't that great! I feel very privileged.

Anyway, then I went back to work. Kind of a slow day at work. By the end of work...I really didn't want to go to my LSAT class. Oh goodness...I know I was a very bad girl, but I wanted to see Parker so much, and I really didn't want to study...so I went home. It was a lovely night. We got Red Mango and fed ducks in the park and remembered how it was to be carefree...and then it got cold, and I sat in the car looking at the ducks now...and reality came back to us.

Also, Red Mango is our favorite treat in the whole wide world. It is the most delicious frozen yogurt you will ever experience in your life. We have spent far too much of our very small food budget on Red Mango...but I would say it is worth it.

I thought about it later and realized that there will always be something that I need to do, something that is pulling at me, and if I don't slow down to just spend sometime with those I love most, life will be unfulfilled. I will take a lower LSAT score over missed opportunities to get to know my husband a little better and remember how in love with him I am.

This is a picture of a little boy feeding ducks, it is not the pond we were at, and I do not know who the little boy is, but I liked the sweat pants he was wearing and our camera is broken and google image isn't...but mostly just think about how cute the picture is and imagine Parker and I feeding the ducks instead of the little boy.