The Spewing Forth Effect

I have heard many former law students say that the first year was the worst. That there is a tendency in fact to want to quit after the first year. I will call this the spewing forth effect. Probably just because that puts the best picture in my head of what I feel like regarding law school.

Here is the thing. This spew forth effect has hit me earlier than most it would appear. Contemplating going through last semester again, for this semester, and then for four more semesters brings on perhaps the greatest desire to vomit that I have ever felt. Except it isn't even like a body vomit, it is like an entire desire to relocate to a small island in the middle of nowhere, change my name, hope to find some kind of respite or just die type of vomit feeling.

But the strangest part of it is that I wouldn't say law school is hard. It isn't that the academics are soooooo challenging. It isn't even that the workload is SOOOOOO intense. I guess it's just the endless mind game. Knowing that you need to keep coming day after day in the hopes that one day you can pay off your student loans. At this point, I think that is really the take home message that I have received. There is no magic in law school, at least not yet.

I guess it feels sort of like Christmas morning without Santa or the Baby Jesus or presents or family or cookies or carrots for the reindeer. There is no feeling of hope in law school. Save one exception. There was one single professor...one glimmer of faint aspiration, last semester. His name was Lincoln Davies, and I am only realizing right now that he probably saved my law school life.

Your whole life you grow up to be something, something great. Something inspirational. Something that really makes a difference. Kids at young ages want to be firemen or doctors or movie stars, and I suppose I believe this is because they can see, young as they are, that these professions have influence.

Law. You would think, also has influence. In fact, I think that it just might, if you can get through the law school part of law. Lincoln Davies' closing lecture, finally touched on this. It said that he had once doen something for someone because of law that meant something, and that each of us could do the same. WHY IS THIS NOT THE MESSAGE OF EVERY CLASS EVER TAUGHT IN LAW SCHOOL?

Instead, we have endless mandatory meetings and classes that teach us how to get a job, any job, some job, so that we can pay off loans. So that we can afford the debt we have incurred to just try and be this profession. Too often, we are told not to "jump off the roof," not to "kill ourselves." Well, awesome. Thank you for that, but maybe, just maybe, this wouldn't be such an attractive prospect for so many if more teachers talked about how law can do good. Can change lives. Can change our lives. And not just the money part of our lives, but the actual living part. The part where you interact with other people. Maybe if law, as it is taught in law school, encompassed some kind of nobility beyond just making money, MAYBE the profession would become something magical. Something to aspire to. Something that inspires positive action rather than cynicism.

I know Atticus Finch was a fictional character, so I suppose you could say shame on me for wanting to become a lawyer because of him...but I would rather spend my next five semesters envisioning a future like his than setting my course to fulfill a loan repayment plan.

Truly great people result from lives led in the pursuit of dreams becoming realities not realities becoming their dreams. There is more substance in me striving for a seemingly unattainable goal than settling for the pragmatic purposeless pittance paying prospect presently purported as the substance of success in my area of academic study. I hope to never stop trying to push my contribution in the world from mundane to meaningful. Ideally, this will mean paying back loans while helping people.

Either way, I will best law school. It will have to quit me before I quit it. I think we all know law school needs me ... and it would appear after repeated answers to prayers that I need it.

So begins the present rivalry of my life. For now, Bekah 0: Law School 0, I'll keep you posted...

Our little baby boy!

And then there was yesterday :-) Yesterday, when we found out that we are having a little boy. MY little boy. Oh my goodness. I am so excited for this little fellow. He is a fighter, and he already has quite a personality.

Yesterday, at the appointment, this little fellow was not very eager to display his goods. It took a lot of coaxing to get him to split his legs. The ultrasound tech kept pushing on my stomach and he would move his arms and push back like, "lay off lady, I'm trying to sleep!" After a few of those punches, he finally just took both arms and covered his face so just his sweet little nose poked out between them.

It truly is so unreal that he is just squirming around in there. That he can hear my voice. That he knows or at least will know my voice and Parker's voice. That he has all sorts of feelings and that he is content being in my belly for now.

My favorite comment that the ultrasound tech made during the visit went as follows, "The brain looks good, the heart is beautiful, all the organs look good.....WOW, those are really long femur bones. He's got some seriously long legs." Indeed, the babe will be quite long/tall.

Anyway, I am so excited about this little fellow. The Wightman family refer to him as Brutus Limes Wightman...a strong name, but probably not the ultimate keeper.

Second trimester has brought on even more sneezing than the first. Occasional taco bell cravings. Having to pee every second. And A LOT more energy than in the first trimester.

First Ultrasound and the First Trimester

I had my first ultrasound at seven weeks. Naturally, we weren't sure at the time of scheduling whether I was 7 weeks or more like 11 weeks, but we felt confident it would be one of those two. I was just about as nervous as a person can be before going to this ultrasound.

Because of all the health concerns and issues relating to my whole womanly self, I was not very confident in my body or its ability to successfully carrying this little munchkin. There was a week when I spent nearly everyday sure that I would miscarry...not because my body was doing anything, but because I couldn't really believe how my body would be able to pull this off. Because I found out that I was pregnant, all the testing was put on hold. I wondered for weeks what my womb even looked like... I mean after so many months of no maintenance...who knows what was floating around in there?

I was very grateful to have Parker for this part. He was so patient with me and even helped me figure out good methods to keep me optimistic when I felt the fear and panic setting in. I ultimately realized that if I didn't change my attitude, I would worry myself into a miscarriage.

It occurred to me that I planned no part of getting this baby here in the first place, so it seemed awfully silly that I thought now, I could somehow control things. Nay. Heavenly Father has had my back from the get go. Once I realized for good or bad, I just had to trust that things were going to be as they SHOULD be, I really began to enjoy the pregnancy.

Also, let me clarify this. Parker and I were very surprised about this pregnancy, but we were overjoyed. It wasn't as in "we weren't planning to have a baby...," it was a surprise as in, "we weren't thinking I could have a baby..." So, we felt immensely blessed.

Anyway, as far as the first trimester goes, I was incredibly tired. I had a record four naps in a single day. But no sickness. None.

The first trimester went swimmingly. I was healthy as could be. I couldn't ask for a better pregnancy.

Baby's backstory

So, I know that I haven't said much about my pregnancy thus far and here I am a day from half way...so I suppose it is high time to make mention of this momentousness.

Getting Pregnant (This section will talk a lot about my period, if you aren't interested in reading about that, please proceed to the next post.)

Okay, so obviously you all know how the whole making of a baby occurs, so I don't plan to go into that much, but this much I will say. My body has never been the pinnacle of womanly health. In fact, I have often joked that my body can't figure out if it is a little girl or a woman. My whole life, my period has been really inconsistent and sometimes altogether absent. None of the previous doctors that I have ever been to have had much to say on the subject...so it has been an eternal quandary for me.

Anyway, starting in February of this year, my period went on hiatus again. By August, I decided it was time to see a doctor again. I was a bit hesitant seeing as in the past my experience had not been terrific with doctors, but I came by a very highly recommended OBGYN and set an appointment. At that appointment, the doctor discovered that I had hypothyroidism AND annovulation (ie my body couldn't ovulate on its own). She wasn't sure that the two were connected, but she prescribed the medicine for the thyroid and hoped that maybe it would impact my cycle as well. She didn't seem really convinced that it would though. So, she scheduled a lot of other testing, as in, ultrasounds of my girly parts to look for tumors or cysts or whatever else could be a lurkin'.

Because of an insurance situation, I had to put those tests off to the first week of October. So, here I am, last week of August...I start taking the thyroid pill. Life goes on as usual. The goal at the time was just to have a period. September comes. I run in the red rock relay. Last week of September comes, still no period. I am just about 5 days from that battery of testing, and I go on this run with a friend. The whole time, I want to die. The run feels so hard which is bizarre because I had just two weeks earlier run about 15 miles in 24 hours...there was no reason for this run to feel so hard.

That whole day, I felt terrible. I felt achy and tired and just not right. Keep in mind I still have not had a period since February.... so pregnancy doesn't even cross my mind. I mean, I had just been officially diagnosed with the inability to ovulate...so it sure seemed unlikely that I could be pregnant.

By night time, I had just the smallest little bit of spotting. Imagine my elation. Holy crap. I was sure my body had decided to be a woman. It explained EVERYTHING about how I had been feeling that day. I was so excited that I was about to start my period. The medicine was clearly working! I texted my mom and a friend or two letting them know Aunt Flo was well on her way.

As I went to bed that night, however, I had this thought that I should probably take a pregnancy test. I wasn't even sure if we had one, and it was really lucky that we did because if we hadn't, I am not sure when I would have checked. In fact, I may still have no idea that I was pregnant. I am a religious person, and I believe that this baby came from a loving Heavenly Father. I have no doubt that, that same loving Heavenly Father planted this sweet little thought in my head. Had He not, I am fairly certain rather devastating consequences may have resulted from my total lack of pregnancy knowledge. I was gearing up for a half marathon and pushing my body pretty hard... I also know that some of the testing I was about to do could have had a detrimental effect of the babe. So I am very grateful that I had this thought.

However, at the time, it didn't seem significant at all. In fact, it seemed stupid to me to waste a pregnancy test when I still hadn't even had a period. So, I didn't even think to mention to Parker that I was going to take the test in the morning.

Imagine my surprise when I woke up bright and early 6 a.m. Tuesday morning September 27, assumed that grandiose peeing position, glided the test into that stream of unsuspecting urine...and got a smiley face sign 2 minutes later. Say what?

I couldn't believe it. You wouldn't have been able to believe it either. Add to this that we were consciously being "careful" that month too.

Well, I just about lost it. Poor Parker was lulled from the reaches of a pleasant sleep by the horrific noise of my startled scream and the jump as I crash landed on the bed...test in hand...overhead light still off...stick still wet... and waving in Parker's face. I impatiently waited for him to acknowledge if I was indeed insane or if he too saw what I saw... unfortunately, his eyes hadn't quite adjusted to the light or lack of light, and he ultimately requested I just tell him if it was a smiley or not. I told him it was...and then asked if it could be right.

He too was skeptical.

We both spitballed ideas back and forth regarding various contaminants that could have found there way onto the test in that two second interim from peeing to snapping the cap back on, but we ultimately settled on the need for more tests.

So, I went out to the local Dan's grocery store. It is amazing how in these moments, reason shines. I knew instantly that I needed to go to Dan's not Smith's because at Smith's you have to have someone open a case for you to buy a pregnancy test. It was as if my mind was building a foolproof route to pregnancy confirmation success in mere seconds. I will admit that putting contacts in before leaving was tricky. My shaking hands sure didn't quicken the process. Ultimately, I returned 30 dollars poorer and one more positive sure that we were indeed expecting.

And then came the next truly concerning question... how pregnant am I? Not having a period since February made it rather difficult to gage just how far a long I was, but after consult with the calendar. I thought I had a pretty good idea.

So began our baby journey.

Aruba

Yes dear friends, that is where I have been for the last two weeks. We come home today. Barring one massive slam of my arm into a staircase banister on my frantic flight to the incredible fireworks on New Year's Eve and the result massive black/purple bruise on my arm, as well as, one rather brisk wave which sent me reeling...and straight toward Parker..little did I know his knee was sticking straight out and we al know waves split apart your legs, so I suppose you can imagine what occurred there. However, aside from those two incidences, I am happy to report all well and safe. An amazing feat for someone of my clumsy-ness caliber.

It has been a relaxing trip made possible by the generous Randy Wightman frequent flier and hotel points fund...and still I have wondered if we could really afford to take this trip. It was a whole Wightman Family Vacation and that has been really fun, but it is sure hard to ever feel like you can "afford" a vacation when student loans are ever present and only building with the start of a new term.

In case you aren't sure, Aruba is just off the coast of Venezuela and it is lovely. A small little island with just blue water, sandy beaches, and palm trees all around. Delightful. Truly. Anyway, I would like to inform you that we did in fact bring our camera on this trip, and I think I got maybe two pictures before the battery ran out...next step, bring the charger! So, we are getting there, slow but sure. However, I think the rest of the family has taken some lovely pictures of us, so you have that to look forward to.

It has been an adventure in reading. I love to read and so does Parker, but we have almost zero time to do it regularly. This trip offered just such an occasion. I read Wuthering Heights and the Book Thief. Here's the thing. I should write another blog post just on those two. I expect to finish the Book Thief today and begin Fellowship of the Ring on the plane ride home.

Anyway, we return state-side today and should be home tonight. Huzzah! Also, I haven't forgotten about the post that tells about all things baby, but as we will be finding out on Thursday if we are having a boy or a girl, I figured I would save the whole story and post it with that exciting news. So, if you haven't yet voted about our baby's stats...please visit here.

Um, to end this post...I have questions.

First, have you been to Aruba?

Second, have you read Wuthering Heights and what did you think?

Third, have you read the Book Thief and what did you think?

Is Fellowship of the Ring a hard read? I struggled to get through the Hobbit, and failed...so I am a little apprehensive about this one, but Parker insists I read it, and I truly want to love it. So, there is that.

Please answer the question below...

If you could live anywhere in the world providing there is an internet connection...where would you live and why? Please include pros and cons. Also, keep in mind you will probably be there for a little while i.e. familial obligations still apply immediate and extended.