Yep...that about sums it up.

My whole life I have wondered what keeps the hamster in the wheel running. Is it fun? Is it stupidity? Is it that they are very weight conscious creatures? Do they think its fun? WHAT IS IT?This has been a conundrum for me for years.

Then yesterday, I was sitting at work thinking about my life. I was considering how there are somedays when it is just so monotonous and I feel like I am going no where. It was at this moment, that I realized I was that hamster on the wheel. This brought me to thinking about why I keep running on that stupid wheel, why I race to the finish everyday when I know tomorrow will just be the same. Why I don't quit. And I realized that being married has changed everything, I don't quit because I have a family to support. The weight of that realization rested upon me for a few minutes. I realized how grateful I am for this time in my life, for this taste of the working world. I long for the days of being buried in a book, nose pressed to page, wanting so badly to finish school, be done with college, but real life is not as fun. It is STRESSFUL.

Anyway, I don't know what Parker and I will end up doing, I don't know how our life will be, and in what way I will feel impressed to use this next degree I plan to receive, but I know that Parker full on expects to work, and I am grateful for this time in my life when I can feel something of what he will likely feel when he is working, making money, and somedays only continuing to move forward because he has a family. What a blessing to be part of a union that helps me shake a little of the my natural self-centered tendencies.

My brother once said...when you are single, you are selfish; when you get married, you are unifish...united in your selfishness; when you have a baby, you become selfless. Perhaps that is true, I am sure having a baby will help us become more selfless...but so far, marriage has taught me a lot in that department. So, I will keep running on my wheel...around and around and around and around.

Coincidentally, it turns out that someone must have known I was going to write this post, because they were so kind as to post a picture of me in a hamster wheel on google. Eat your heart out!

Patience or Push Over?

Have you ever had an experience when someone did something that was blatantly rude or uncalled for, but you were so caught off guard that you just kind of stood there dumbfounded? That happened to me today.

I stood there wanting to say something, almost saying something, but all well knowing that if I did say something, I would likely yell it, scream it, wail it rather than say it...so I stayed quiet, but I couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't have been mean. I really couldn't think period after that. But I know that part of the problem is that no one says anything, so the behavior of this individual persists. Ugh...I hate circumstances like this. I always think, I will be ready for the next one, but these instances always catch me off guard. I hate it.

Then of course later, all my great comebacks came to me. Anyway, I always wonder afterward whether I was actually being patient or just a push over. I wonder if it would have been better to say something in the moment no matter the tone, because I will never muster up the gumption to go address this issue later. That is the push over part. I can't decide what I am, and I can't decide which is better. What do you think?

Clementines

Last night, Parker and I had to run to the store. While there, I notice a beautiful bag of clementines. They looked so appealing, and they were even on sale. So, I decided to buy a bag. Within minutes of leaving the store, I was already sinking my fingernails into that soft thin peel. In no time, I had taken the entire peel off, and I sat there in our car for a minute taking in the delicious fragrance of that single clementine. Then of course, I ate it...I shared a little with Parker, but he was driving, and I always look out for our safety first, so I knew that I would have to shoulder the burden of downing the majority of that small clementine.

But it made me reflect a bit on life. There are few smells that bring the rush of Christmastime joy like a good clementine. I would say a freshly cut Christmas Tree has a similar effect, but somehow clementines bring back thoughts of gratitude for years past quicker than any other Christmastime symbol.

I think this is because when I was little, I remember hearing so many stories in primary and at home, and just throughout the Christmas season about how oranges used to be so rare and expensive, and sometimes all children would get at Christmas was a single clementine or orange. This was of course reinforced by "Little Women." It is only around Christmastime that you even see an orange...and each slice is eaten with such care. And the really poor german professor...Professor Bear who falls in love with Jo and who Jo falls in love with in the end...he gives her an orange. So you can see that a lot of memories were brought back last night as I ate my clementine.

I guess I just feel so fortunate. I mean just to demonstrate how blessed I am...I ate three clementines in about 15 minutes last night. I brought three to work with me today, and when I go home tonight, there will still be several clementines resting happily in the fridge awaiting my return.

It is truly humbling to realize just how generous those around me have been my whole life. I am very grateful for this holiday season. Everything about it makes me giddy. I just love this time of year, and I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to give back if even in very small ways. After all, despite our budget looking meager to me, we are still so much more fortunate than so many, and I am thankful that this season creates a spirit of giving and a willingness to accept. Anyway, who knew a clementine could provoke such thought? I certainly didn't. But I am glad all the same. Thank goodness for these little reminders in our lives.

Leaving things in the past...

Last night I had some visitors come over, we were talking about how you have an impression in the first three seconds of meeting someone whether or not you are going to like them. I thought that was interesting. I don't know that I totally agree with it, as in, I don't think it is prophetic, but I do think that it demonstrates how we are quick to judge, so quick we can't even stop it sometimes, and the best we can do it correct it after the fact. This led me to think about me, and if I do this. I realized that I generally don't size up whether or not the other person and I are going to get on, but instead, I size up if I think they will be interested in being friends with me.

I don't know why I do this, but I have for as long as I can remember. When I meet people, I instantly make a judgement call of whether or not they will care to get to know me. I suppose that this may seem really self deprecating, but I truly am always surprised when people are genuinely interested in who I am.

I think you risk with every introduction you make. Lately, I have been trying to take more risks correcting things I feel I have done wrong in the past, or just following promptings. Sometimes it has crashed and burned, but sometimes, it has turned out better than I ever thought.

Goodness, relationships with anyone and everyone are hard and scary. Even just making a comment puts you at risk for being misunderstood, and yet, there is something so important about doing it. About trying. About making your thoughts heard. But it is a risk...and sometimes I get discouraged when negative feedback mounts following such a risk. Yet....I think this kind of risking is essential to progression.

I remembered a story that Elder Holland once gave. I will include it below. I think in contemplating going home for Christmas this story has been even more on my mind. I think this is because at home, people still know me as who I was when I was there which for the most part is fine. But I think amongst the peer group that I grew up in, this is difficult. The same social structures remain even when you have moved on, so I suppose this holiday season while returning to family and friends keep the following story in mind, and do something different, something better.

"I was told once of a young man who for many years was more or less the brunt of every joke in his school. He had some disadvantages, and it was easy for his peers to tease him. Later in his life he moved away from his community. He eventually joined the army and had some successful experiences there in getting an education and generally stepping away from his past. Above all, as many in the military do, he discovered the beauty and majesty of the Church and became very active and happy in it.

Then, after several years, he came back to the town of his youth. Most of his generation had moved on, but not all. Apparently when he returned quite successful and quite reborn, the same old mind-set that had existed before was still there, waiting for his return. To the people in his hometown he was still just old “so and so”—you remember the guy who had the problem, that idiosyncrasy, this quirky nature, and did such and such and such and such. And wasn’t it all just hilarious?

Well, you know what happened. Little by little this man’s Pauline effort to leave that which was behind and grasp the prize that God had laid before him was gradually diminished until he died about the way he had lived in his youth. He came full circle: again inactive and unhappy and the brunt of a new generation of jokes. Yet he had had that one bright, beautiful midlife moment when he had been able to rise above his past and truly see who he was and what he could become. Too bad, too sad, that he was again to be surrounded by a whole batch of Lot’s wives, those who thought his past was more interesting than his future. Yes, they managed to rip out of his grasp that for which Christ had grasped him. And he died even more sadly than Miniver Cheevy, though as far as I know the story, through absolutely no fault of his own."

And then he followed it up with this:

That happens in marriages, too, and in other relationships we have. I can’t tell you the number of couples I have counseled who, when they are deeply hurt or even just deeply stressed, reach farther and farther into the past to find yet a bigger brick to throw through the window “pain” of their marriage. When something is over and done with, when it has been repented of as fully as it can be repented of, when life has moved on as it should and a lot of other wonderfully good things have happened since then, it is not right to go back and open up some ancient wound that the Son of God Himself died trying to heal.

Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that people can change and improve. Is that faith? Yes! Is that hope? Yes! Is it charity? Yes! Above all, it is charity, the pure love of Christ. If something is buried in the past, leave it buried. Don’t keep going back with your little sand pail and beach shovel to dig it up, wave it around, and then throw it at someone, saying, “Hey! Do you remember this?” Splat!

Well, guess what? That is probably going to result in some ugly morsel being dug up out of your landfill with the reply, “Yeah, I remember it. Do you remember this?” Splat.

And soon enough everyone comes out of that exchange dirty and muddy and unhappy and hurt, when what God, our Father in Heaven, pleads for is cleanliness and kindness and happiness and healing.

Such dwelling on past lives, including past mistakes, is just not right! It is not the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is worse than Miniver Cheevy, and in some ways worse than Lot’s wife, because at least there he and she were only destroying themselves. In these cases of marriage and family and wards and apartments and neighborhoods, we can end up destroying so many, many others.

Perhaps at this beginning of a new year there is no greater requirement for us than to do as the Lord Himself said He does: “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more” (D&C 58:42).

I think this will be part of my gift this Christmas...to change a little for the better before the New Year, and try to forget past wrongs and just move forward.

If you are interested in reading the whole talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, this is the link: http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=12522&x=71&y=4. The talk is excellent. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

The Great Catch Up

So....it's been a while, and we have finally uploaded a bunch of pictures from our camera...so this is going to be somewhat of a marathon picture post...but for those who are resilient...I will tell all about my LSAT score at the end :-) If that isn't enough to keep you reading...I doubt that you will enjoy the journey to that point, so you probably should just stop reading now...but first, an adorable picture of my little niece Lucy, this is at her one year birthday party.. I think she is one cute girl even with pink frosting all over her face :-)

Now on to Columbus Day! Parker and I went to a pumpkin pa

tch, and somewhere along the way, he decided that this would be a great place to practice our future...very future...maternity/paternity pics...so here they are in all their glory.

I know, I need so

me practice, but as we progressed, things improved.

The VERY pregnant look.

Daddy listening to the heart beat.

The look Parker gave when he realized he wouldn't get to 'carry' the child until after it was born

And us, just being our stinkin' cute selves.

Move ahead a while...Parker and I decided to visit one of his cousins. They are this great family. We had so much fun with them, their kids Lily and Hendrix (Yes, it's after Jimmy Hendrix) showed us their sweet rock collection (round, bumpy, red, yellow, broken, etc), did puppets shows for us, showed their feats of strength, and at the end of the night, showed us how pro they were at making caramel apples.

Finally, Halloween. This year we fulfilled one of Parker's boyhood dreams. When he was younger, he loved to play the video game Zelda. I recall my brothers playing this game, and how cool they thought it was that Zelda could like jump around in his sweet little green tunic and hold a sweet sword and have that killer shield. Well, it turns out, I was super misguided in my understanding of Zelda all these years. Turns out, Zelda is the princess and Link is the green dude. Of course, there would be a damsel in distress wouldn't there? But after Parker told me that she uses a sword in the game too, I figured it could be alright. So I printed off the characters' pictures from on-line...went to DI...and got to work. These are the finished products.

He kind of bugged me, because I had spent all this time making him that killer sword only for him to go and make a pretend bow and arrow in this picture...what's up with that?

That's more like it. I have never seen a more vicious fighter against inanimate objects like the stove and fridge :-)

Us being cute at our ward party.

Almost there.....

So that was Friday night October 29th....October 30th, I signed up to run a half marathon with some friends of mine. It was the Provo Halloween half, and so we dressed up. You will see that my friend Kim is the Spelling Bee, I am the Thesaurus Rex, and our other friend is Super Girl. Quite the trio...no body really got my costume, but that just means it was one of a kind :-)

Anyway, the sad story about this race is that it was very downhill at the start, the start of thirteen miles. When I got to mile 1.5, yes, that is one and a half, I tripped, and my foot came out in front of me the way a foot shouldn't, and I fell on it, and heard this huge pop, and I was down. It was this extreme rush of pain....terrible pain. Anyway, I thought about being epic and walking the last 12 miles...but as I couldn't even walk a step without experiencing some serious trauma...I decided against it. A very nice woman offered to give me a ride down to the finish line in her car. Anyway, I am very proud of my friends who ran it and finished, that is awesome...better luck next year I suppose.

And now the moment you have all been waiting for....the big reveal. I got a 160 on my LSAT. That means I was in the 80th percentile...which means I did better than 80% of those who took it nationwide. It's no Harvard Score, but I'll take it. It was the very bottom of my safe zone, and as a result, I do not think that I will need to take the test again. Instead, I am on to filling out my applications and crossing my fingers that all will go well. Thank you all for your help and your prayers and your kindness! I am so relieved, and I simply feel so blessed!

Anticipation

In high school, we had a very competitive theatre department. It was as popular if not more popular than sports at our high school. As a result, auditions were very competitive. I remember how much I dreaded auditions. I would get so nervous and worried and tied up in knots waiting for that time when I would walk on to the stage and try to own it.

In fact, sometimes I would become so focused on the audition that I would forget how miserable the wait was following the audition. Typically, when you try out for a play, there are two to three days of auditions. After the initial audition, they post a call backs list. Those not on the list have not made it. Those on the list have another try to show why they should be selected. After call backs, they post a cast list. I found that these lists came out rather late at night, and yet, I would get in my car or have my parent's drive me down to the high school no matter the hour, because the agony of waiting until the next day was too overwhelming. I HAD TO KNOW. I also always hoped that when I showed up, no one else would be around. That is not the kind of thing you want others to be around for. If you get in and they don't awkward. If they get in and you don't...awkward. If you both don't get in....awkward. If you both do get in...awesome! But that is a one in four chance of a good out come, and I really didn't want to take that chance.

Why am I telling you this? Because today has felt a lot like those days for me. The LSAT scores are supposed to come out today. They technically have until Monday, but for like the last eight years they have come out today. I am sitting here at work looking at the clock. It is 25 minutes until the work day is over on the East coast. I have literally been shaking all day. I have been so nervous and preoccupied with that, that I wonder if I have even been much use. I keep looking at my email. I just know that any minute it will pop up, but looking every couple seconds is rather taxing. Anyway...hopefully it will be today, but who honestly knows...I wonder if I will be able to eat tonight if it doesn't come here in the next few minutes...anyway, I hate anticipation.

Smiles

So, we had a regional conference this last weekend. That essentially means as it sounds. Our church is divided up into regions of members, and we gather every once in a while for these regional conferences. Generally, several speakers from the church leadership talk to us. The talks are generally given based on the impressions that that individual has had while preparing for this particular event. I am always grateful for these types of meetings, they cause me to think very deeply, and I appreciate that.

This year we had one session on Friday night and one on Sunday. The one on Friday night was tailored just for our stake. Our stake encompasses only those living within the University Student housing. So essentially the graduations of church bodies starts at a branch then a ward then a stake then a region... then an Area I think...and after that I am sure that there are other graduations, but I don' t know them. Anyway, that was a long introduction to get to the real point of the post.

So at the session on Friday night, we were encouraged to pray with more real concentration and thought. I don't care who you are religious or not...you should try this :-) I have been so surprised how my days have changed. Granted I have only been doing it since yesterday, so probably this wouldn't stand up in published research, but I have noticed how much happier I have been and really for no reason. Nothing else has changed. So, I am attributing it to this single act. Perhaps that is faulty logic, but I don't think so.

I love to smile. It lifts my whole mood when I do. I went through a period of my life several years ago when I didn't smile for months. I was so sad and numb that I don't think I even cracked a smile for a good long time, but I have realized since then what power a smile can have on me and those around me. Somehow, just the act of humbling yourself enough to talk to a supreme being calms the heart and brings a sensation of happiness. I wonder if it is because in the moment of hearing ourselves voice our most intimate thoughts and frustrations, we realize how much there is to be grateful for. I don't know. I haven't figured it out yet, but I am grateful for it.

Anything that can bring such pure and simple joy must be good. I certainly have found that to be the case here. I am glad for it. I sure needed a pick me up.